Dealing with Conflict

The Conflict

The greatest conflict of my life was not a single moment but a series of moments that eventually led to a very debilitating psychosis that prevented me from being able to integrate successfully into the communities around me or even socialize in the most basic settings. This eventually made me a very bitter, angry, and withdrawn person. Thankfully, over time I have been able to heal these wounds and end the thought processes that trapped me in my own personal mental prison. Now I am happy to say that I am, well, happy!

Origin

The origin of this great personal conflict was puberty. For whatever reason this biological process completely unsettled my mind and as a result my entire view of both myself and the world around me changed forever. This changed world view combined with almost constant criticism and social isolation from my peers due to my significant deviation from the social norm in thinking and behaving furthered my feelings of isolation which eventually morphed into anger and resentment.

Original Coping Strategy

After numerous failed attempts to integrate socially I became extremely depressed. Eventually I don't think my mind could take any more rejection and the pain it caused and so it created a defense strategy to lessen this pain. This strategy centered around not only accepting, but embracing the fact that I was different from other people. This was possible because I then viewed other people as stupid and a waste of time to socialize with. I centered my life around 'logic' and only cared about how others fit into that logic and not about their superficial personal lives. Basically, I tried to remove emotion from the equation and convince myself that emotions were the fallacy of the weak and uninformed.

Results

The results of this original coping strategy were mixed. It did allow me to survive and not implode or explode into a fit of destructive rage at either myself or all those who ignored or ridiculed me, but it also left me feeling numb and further isolated from others. This was OK for awhile, but eventually as I started to mingle more and more with others as I got older I began to feel that pain again. It was becoming more and more apparent that emotions were intrinsic to human happiness and that I was missing a lot by not embracing them. So I began to become depressed once again. I needed a new strategy.

Revised Coping Strategy

Over the years I have come to really appreciate Buddhism especially Zen Buddhism. One of it's most fundamental tenants is an extreme suspicion of the conscious mind much preferring the subconscious when it comes to decision making and evaluations of truth. My previous conscious decisions and absolute faith in 'logic' clearly were not making me happier so I thought that I would try some of the practices from a religion / philosophy that I really related to. So I started reading lots of Buddhist books on meditation and how to stop an overactive conscious mind in favor of the subconscious mostly though exercises in mindfulness.

Results

The results of this strategy were better than the previous, but still not ideal. They helped me a lot in my day-to-day interactions with people, but I was still very much inside my mind and not very social or happy. Clearly meditation and mindfulness practice was not going to fully free myself from this lingering darkness.

Final Coping Strategy

Samadhi!! Seriously, all that study of Zen and I didn't even realize that I was not practicing it one bit. Zen is not about meditation or koans it is all about experience and this was the key to finally ending my years long depression and withdraw from society. Basically, if I wanted to change my life and experience it in a new way with compassion and connectedness I had to change the way I lived my life and start living with with compassion and connectedness! It's like Yoda said, "No. Try not. Do or do not. There is no try. " It is sooooo simple yet so powerful. If I wanted change in my life, if my previous strategies were not working, I just had to keep trying new approaches and get as many experiences as I could until something felt right. Experience; that was my solution. Get out into the world and just take it all in.

Results

Third time is the charm apparently and this final strategy finally freed me from a decades long depression and social isolation. Now not only have most of the previous mental patterns faded away, but much of the pain has also faded. The recent birth of my first son has also greatly helped to heal old wounds and further motivate me to be more social and more compassionate. However, I still recognize and stay mindful of the fact that there is still work to be done. While I have removed most of the conscious patterns that led to my depression some unconscious patterns remain. These unconscious patterns seem to operate very similar to stereotype threat in that in certain situations where I 'believe' I am out of place it creates an immediate stress response which makes thinking and feeling more difficult. However, I am aware of these responses and I have been able to slowly change or compensate for them. They are still there, but they are waning and I am certian that eventually they will dissapear completely. I enjoy the present and I look forward to the future. This is a change that I warmly welcome!

Conclusion

So while I regret wasting so much time being depressed I am so grateful to finally be happy and at peace with myself and the world around me and even happier that I get to share this happiness with my growing family.